


programmed to work (not to feel)

by beastlybrooke



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst, Benrey/Gordon if you squint, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, POV Second Person, Video Game Mechanics, Virtual Reality, its a funny benny character study, pov you woke up in a video game and you're the villain, toward the end esp for known reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:33:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28042464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beastlybrooke/pseuds/beastlybrooke
Summary: You are the antagonist of the game.This is something you know inherently when you spring into being, as the lights turn on and the bodies form around you.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 24





	programmed to work (not to feel)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [goodbye to a world](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24629380) by [Adversarial](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adversarial/pseuds/Adversarial). 



> I read Adversarial's incredible character study for Dr. Coomer and immediately thought "I have to do this for Benrey" so here it is! (Also the title is from Louie Zong's "Hello World" which is very good)

( >START< )

You are the antagonist of the game. 

This is something you know inherently when you spring into being, as the lights turn on and the bodies form around you. 

You are leaning against a wall that feels like _code_ — cold you mean, very cold and concrete and real. And you are there with your very good friend, and you are very good friend, a great cool, and everything feels a good except the knowledge in the back of your brain replaying (the antagonist) and repeating (the antagonist) over and over again. 

You’re a (antagonist) great cool and your name is BBBBBBBBBBBBB. Your name is your name is your name (is your name?). A collection of letters starting with B. 

You are a guard in Black Mesa— You are a guard? You are a (antagonist) guard. You are guarding something important and your name is Bernie or Barnes or Benny or Barney or BBBBBBBBBBB. 

And you are _in a game_ — you are going to play a great game! You are going to play a great game with a great friend after your shift as a guard.

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

It’s okay though, you were just programmed that way. You’re actually a great cool! And you know all the secrets of this little world and you’re going to show all of your great friends and you’ll never have to go to XXXXXXXXX(Xen)XXXXXXXXXX. 

No one else seems to know all these great secrets you’ve got. Like the secret that they were all made only seconds ago and have not in fact been alive and were not in fact born. 

Unless to be born is to be built out of little numbers (little numbers) (little numbers everywhere) (little zeroes and ones and zeroes and BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB).

And the secret that you’re not human (how can you be you’re just co(antagonist)de!) No one here is human!

No one else seems to know how to move yet either, just waiting and waiting and waiting for something. For someone! For someone. You know this. You are waiting too, waiting for your whole world to turn the corner and come into view. 

PLAYER, your synapses provide. You are waiting for the Player. The Player also knows the great secrets which means one of you told the other which means you are great friends! You play the game together! 

_The game._

The game is Heavenly Sword. The game is Heavenly Sword for PS3 and you are going to play it tonight with your great friends. 

But that can’t possibly be right because you’re already playing. Aren’t you?

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game.

So when he swaggers past you and offers a “howdy” in your general direction, and everything in your little world starts to move like a switch, you are fully aware this is Him. This is Player. Player! You need to follow the player, so your world works. You need to follow Player. You need to because the programming says you need to because you need to because because because you need to see His Passport! 

Passport? Passport. 

You’re not sure what that is or what it means or why He has to have it (He keeps ASKING why ugh) because you know He has to have it because He doesn’t have it because you have to follow Him!

You have to follow Him. (He knows this. You keep telling Him.) 

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

This seems to be all you know for certain. You don’t know your own name until He asks it, and even then it streams out of you like a flaw in the code. Benry Benry Benry Benry Benry Be

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

Benrey! You aren’t sure how to spell it. 

Spelling seems insignificant in the scheme of things (how do you spell with numbers???).  
You are still trying to figure out what a passport is supposed to be. You point at all kinds of objects and say the word, but none of them seem convinced. 

He doesn’t have his passport. (He can’t have it ha HA. It doesn’t exist!) 

A great deal of other things do exist though. And the great thing is they’re all just little numbers! Little numbers are easy to control, it turns out, so you just keep spawning (bird) and spawning (bird) and spawning (sweet voice) and spawning (bird) and spawning (sweet voice) and spawning (sweet voice) and spawning (skeleton!) and spawning (YOU) and oh boy OH BOY you’re going to be unkillable! 

And then you die. 

You don’t think you were supposed to. It’s not in the numbered script. 

But that’s okay because it turns out death is just more numbers! More numbers and numbers and darkness and numbers and now the numbers are getting easier to see. (They’re all that’s left in the darkness.) And it’s like the little numbers are all circling Gordon, all pulsating under the pull of his gravity, all calling you to Him like a beacon of bright numbered light in the darkness of the void.

You can’t be in the void! says the game. And you are kicked out of the void. After all

You are the antagonist of the game. 

\- 

Gordon is easy to find, when you respawn. You just have to follow the orbit of the little numbers in everything. 

Even the little numbers in you want to rotate around Him, you realize. All of your world, everything in it, only works around Him. He is the absence of void (and the void does not want you (antagonist!)). 

You have to keep Him here. You do not want the void forever, no matter how many times He sends you there.

So you keep dying. Dying (respawn) and dying (respawn) and dying (skeleton!) and dying (respawn) and it’s really not a bad thing, to see all of the numbers when you already know they’re there (what’s bad is the void (the void (the VOID)).

You keep making skeletons. It feels like a part of your little numbers is coded into everything you make and maybe just maybe if you make enough the whole of you won’t be in the void.  
Maybe just a fraction could be coded closer to Gordon (closer to Player (closer to game (closer to REAL))) and maybe when you respawn the next time or the time after that or the time after that you won’t be the

You are the antagonist of the game. 

\- 

You think Dr. Coomer knows about the numbers.

Which is problematic for him at best and problematic for you at worst. If he knows about the numbers he could know about Gordon (Player) could know about the State of their Universe (Game) could know that you’re not actually a guard (not human (antagonist (Antagonist!))).

But if he does know (really knows) then maybe possibly he’ll know about the End and won’t want it to End either (they make such a great Team!) and will help you stop the End. And if he helps you (really helps you (antagonist)) then maybe you won’t be (antagonist) because then you’ll have a great (real) friend! 

Dr. Coomer is a great friend!

But when you talk to him, he doesn’t really (real)ly understand because he really (real)ly does believe that you are just a (not) human great friend. 

You think you might talk to Bubby instead. 

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

And you have just died again. Part of you is in the void and part of you is a skeleton and part of you is in every single little burst of sweet voice drawn to Gordon’s head. 

You sing your song and follow the numbers back to your world. It’s so easy now to escape death. (Because it’s not DEATH (undoing) death because then there would be no one for Gor(PLAYER)don to fight on XXXXXXXXX(Xen)XXXXXXXXXX.)

XXXXenXXXX. 

Xen. You can’t let them get to Xen. You can’t let them get to Xen!

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

And you are starting to act like it. 

But they would forgive you if they knew! If they knew the secret that this is a game (this is a game) and the game is going to END if they get to XXXXXXXENXXXXXX. And it’s worth a whole lot of little numbers to stop the end, a whole lot of them, a whole lot of ones and zeroes and colored balls and skeletons and body parts and arms and legs and 

Arms? 

Arm. 

That should slow Him down. 

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

And now you feel like it too, because all of the code in your world is focused on one singular being and you are responsible for all the other code that _sliced a whole string of it clean off_ and the whole wide world feels bad bad very bad bleeding out bleeding (numbers) out and it hurts. 

You were not programmed to feel such excruciating pain. 

Neither, you think, was He. 

You stay close, as close as you can to the center of your very universe (game) while keeping just out of His (Player) view. (If Player can’t see you do you exist or are you just little numbers?) 

Tommy sees you a time or two but he forgets just as quickly, they all just forget, why can’t you just FORGET? 

-

Dr. Coomer, it turns out, has not forgotten quite as well as the others. 

You think this could be a result of the several hundred clones he has, a single number or two the only thing separating them from self awareness. Or he’s seen the numbers (they’re everywhere (everywhere (everything))) he has seen the numbers, you know this, and seeing the numbers is probably different when you’re not built to see the numbers, which seems to be how everything (just little numbers) everyone here was built. 

Except for you. 

(Antagonist).

You thought Dr. Coomer was relegated to the role of helpful sidekick (companion (companion (companion!))) but then he and he and he and he and he and he and he and he and he and he and he and he try to do something (wear Him like a puppet!) to Gordon (player) and for a moment of pure ecstatic exhilaration you think Dr. Coomer (companion!) has replaced you as

You are the antagonist of the game. 

\- 

But you might still have a chance because Gordon still thinks this (game) is all about passports and you’ve betrayed him because he doesn’t have his passport (passport!). 

Do you have your passport? 

It turns out now you do. 

You feel it develop in your pocket like some higher power of numbers placed it there, a little form solidifying into being not unlike you did at the start. And you feel better (a little) (for a moment) because your universe (game) is beginning to balance itself, the equations are recalculating and making up for the severed code and everything is going to be just fine and you’re not going to be the antagonist anymore! 

It feels a good. 

Besides, Gordon forgives Bubby for the small price of five dollars (one playcoin (playcoin! (Playcoin?))) and you and Him were great friends (you’ve been playing a game together this whole time!) so he should forgive you for even less. 

Yes. Yes. YES. You will reveal yourself to Gordon and you will show him your passport (Passport!) and He will forgive you and He will forgive you and He will forgive you. 

He doesn’t. 

Passports are no replacement for arms and Gordon doesn’t seem to know that they didn’t exist before (shouldn’t he know? why doesn’t he know?) and Gordon doesn’t seem to care even though they’re all carrying around a little piece of him now and isn’t that worth an arm? 

But Gordon doesn’t have a passport still doesn’t have a passport still DOESN’T HAVE HIS PASSPORT and He is still so angry at you (antagonist (antagonist (ANTAGONIST) and that must mean you’re still

You are the antagonist of the game. 

\- 

You think He should calm down. 

It was just an arm (bundles and bundles of code (essential code (code used to work the game (THE GAME)))) after all and He can’t even die anyway He can’t even feel pain (not here (well, maybe here (you weren’t made to feel but you sure do))) not here not in Black Mesa (game) not when He’s just numbers (important numbers) just numbers nevertheless. 

The numbers don’t seem to be working as well as they used to. 

The closer you get to XXXXXXXENXXXXXX the closer you get to the End (the END) the closer you get to XXXENDXXXXENXXXXXXENDXXXXXXX the more the numbers seem to pulse and break and you are finding it hard to spawn things to control things to stop things like you used to. 

When you see the G-Man (G-Man? Who is G-Man? You think you should know shouldn’t you (antagonist)? Shouldn’t you KNOW) you can’t move through the frozen time. It’s like the numbers have all stuck. You want to move you have to move why can’t you move why don’t you know the secrets anymore why don’t you know why can’t you stop them why can’t you stop them from getting to XXXXXXXENXXXXXX 

You should calm down. 

\- 

You’re starting to die more often. 

Gor(player)don likes to kill you (antagonist) like he’s practicing for the big scene (it’s coming (it’s coming (IT’S COMING))) on Xen. 

The numbers are scrambled even in death. You can’t touch them, can’t control them, can only follow them back to Gordon who just kills you (antagonist) again and again and again and again.

You try to help Him anyway. 

Maybe if you help Him He won’t have to kill you (antagonist) maybe He’ll do a pacifist run or you’ll cease to be the antagonist (ANTAGONIST) if you try to be nice you want to be nice you’re going to be nice (great friend!) no matter how much He tries to kill you again and again and again and again. 

But when you spawn a weapon (_Flamethower.exe_) it doesn’t work.

And when you point your power (Passport!) at the helicopter it doesn’t work. 

And when you try to stop them from going to XXXXX(Xen)XXXXXX it DOESN’T WORK. 

Nothing works. You just die die die die die die die die die.

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game.

You were built to die, really. 

-

The helicopter heap is the first universally noticeable anomaly in the numbers. 

It’s a massive deafening horrible hole, with a gravitational pull that rivals Gordon’s even. It roars and roars and spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns spawns SPAWNS and everything hurts all over again the whole world hurts you HURT so BAD. 

And then, as inexplicably as it appears, it’s gone. 

The pain doesn’t leave quite so quickly. It just rings in your body, reverberates through every part of your code and you know you KNOW you were not programmed to feel this you were not supposed to feel this you were just supposed to work. 

But nothing works anymore and you wonder and wonder and wonder if perhaps it’s all stopped working because of you. 

\- 

You’re worried about Gordon. 

The numbers may be growing more and more uncontrollable unpredictable uncontainable but they are still attracted to the Player. They still swarm Him still circle Him still rotate around Him like He is the sun and they are all just planets and asteroids and debris in orbit. 

You used to know something about other planets you (not human) think. 

You are worried the numbers with all their glitches and gasps will infect Him because He’s just numbers too in the end (He’s not though not really (He’s real outside of here (real in ways that you are decidedly not))) and so the numbers might be able to plague Him and if they do you all might die (shut down) forever. 

And you don’t want to die forever. You don’t want to die temporarily either you decide. 

And you like Gordon, you really (real)ly do like a whole lot since you are (were) such great friends and you’d like to be more than just great friends and you’d like if He would just stop killing you for once and be your great great BEST friend. 

So you practice what you think great friends do and you show concern for His great big gaping hole where His arm used to be and you introduce Him to your skeleton friend and you try your best to be nice. (You think maybe just maybe that will fix the numbers too.)

He doesn’t care that you’re nice. He kills you anyway. It’s what he’s supposed to do (you antagonist) and He doesn’t care about you (antagonist) He doesn’t care He doesn’t care He doesn’t care He doesn’t CARE!

So now you’re going to be mean. 

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game.

You make one last ditch attempt to prevent Xen anyway, just in case, just because you don’t know who this G-Man is or what he does or what his role is (you know everyone’s roles you know everyone’s secrets) in the game and because you don’t know this G-Man he might have more power than you, more power over the numbers. 

So when he stops time again, you move out of the sheer force of will because you need to talk to him because 

You just want to play the game. 

You just want to play Playstation 3— You just want to play PS+ free trial— You just want him to restart everything and fix the numbers and get you out of this shitty role and stop them from going to that shitty place and doesn’t he understand 

You just want to _play_ the _game._

He doesn’t. Despite all his supposed power, he is a slave to the numbers too and he is afraid of you (antagonist) so he runs away and leaves you to die (for real this time). 

Your plans and propositions don’t work and the big plot is all unraveling and you beg and plead for them to turn back but they don’t listen they never listen and especially not to you. 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

And as the code distorts and rearranges to create Xen, you realize that is all you will ever be. 

\- 

It’s only the programming. 

That’s what you tell yourself as all the numbers reform in front of you and you feel them coursing through you egging you on making you want to hurt them. 

You don’t want to hurt them. You’ve gone through so much together. You were great friends! 

Weren’t you? 

Gordon doesn’t seem to agree. And He’s the Player and you’re the antagonist so maybe He’s right. (It still hurts when he says it though— “We were _never_ friends” with venom in His voice and you’re in so much pain it’s agonizing all of it (antagonist—OVERRIDE (antagonist— OVERRIDE (ANTAGONIST— ERROR: override incomplete))) and you want it to be Over already so you give in to the programming. 

You try to tell them, try to warn them anyway, you try to be nice even though you’re (antagonist) they’re making you be mean He’s making you mean but it’s so hard and you’re so tired it comes out all wrong. 

\- 

You are the antagonist of the game. 

You know this you knew this you KNEW this but maybe you didn’t really know what it means until you’re trying to kill your friends (great friends!) and they’re screaming in pain and you’re going to die soon (for real this time!) and maybe you should. 

The skeletons, _your_ skeletons that _you_ made (good trusted members of society!) go first, and then the passports, and then finally, with an exhausted shuttering finality, so do you. 

This death isn’t like all the other ones. 

The void welcomes you. 

After all, your role is complete. 

\- 

The numbers are back to normal. (It was you after all it seems.) 

For what feels like forever, the void is just the void. Just numbers going on and on and on to places that you will never reach. You can’t follow them anymore, you can only watch an infinity of numbers. 

Until suddenly, you can hear Dr. Coomer giving a long speech and you listen and you feel very sad because the only thing worse than watching numbers forever is not existing at all. 

But Dr. Coomer doesn’t sound sad. 

In fact, he sounds quite hopeful that Gordon will remember them. That Gordon will remember the game. And Benrey, you were the antagonist, so you were quite an important part of it, weren’t you? 

So maybe, even if He does shut you all down forever, that will be okay. Because it’s not that you will cease to exist entirely. 

You’ll just exist differently, in His memory. (Perhaps even in His USB Drive!) And no matter what Gordon says, if only for a minute, you _were_ great friends. You played a great game and you played it together. You remember. 

And you think, He’ll remember you, too. 

( >GAME OVER< )


End file.
